ANOTHER CRAZY DAY IN NERIMA
by Aldea Donder
Summary: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times. It was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness. It was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair. -- Charles Dickens


"Hi, Shampoo! How's my favorite Chinese Amazon mistress today?"

Shampoo gave Ranma a bored glance from behind the thick pages of her book. "Please, Ranma. I don't have time for your incessant shenanigans. I'm a very busy woman, and I don't need you skulking about the Nekohanten today, chasing the customers' skirts and eating all our food."

"Busy, eh? Ya don't look busy to me!"

"I have an appointment. All day."

"With whom?"

"Tolstoy. Now leave me alone. Go throw yourself upon Ukyo if you must, but allow me a day's respite from this daily ritual. Your mating croon bores me."

"Tolstoy? Who's he? I'll beat the snot outta him!"

Ranma leapt over the counter and instantly had Shampoo backed into a corner. Still she ignored him, holding her book adamantly between his face and hers, her eyes never leaving the page.

"Tell me, Shampoo! Don't make me beat it out of you!"

Suddenly there was a deafening CRASH! and into the room strolled one Hikaru Gosenkugi! He paused for a moment to smile dashingly and flex his bulging muscles. Then he mightily picked up the section of wall he had burst through and put it back into place.

"SALUTATIONS, FRIENDS!" he roared. "HOW DO YOU FARE, MY DEAR SHAMPOO? YOU CERTAINLY LOOK LOVELY TODAY! AND RANMA! HOW GOOD IT IS TO SEE YOU AGAIN. IT HAS BEEN TOO LONG SINCE LAST WE MET."

"Who's this guy? Is this Tolstoy? I'll break your nose!"

"NOW, NOW, NOW! THERE IS NO NEED FOR VIOLENCE, AND I BELIEVE YOU HAVE ME CONFUSED WITH SOMEONE ELSE BESIDES. IT IS I, HIKARU GOSENKUGI, TO WHOM YOU SPEAK!"

"Hikaru Gosenkugi!" Ranma gasped, paling and shrinking in fear. "Stone Cold Gosenkugi? Gosenkugi, King of Kings, Destroyer of Worlds, whose merciless reign of terror has struck fear into the hearts of tyrants and villains the world over?"

"I PREFER TO THINK OF IT AS A 'REIGN OF JUSTICE.' BUT YES, I AM THE HIKARU GOSENKUGI OF WHOM YOU SPEAK. THERE IS NO OTHER."

"Actually, there are exactly 497 other Hikaru Gosenkugis in Japan," said Akane, who had come into the room when no one else was looking.

"Akane! You've come to your senses and decided to be my woman after all, have you? Jeeze, it sure took you long enough, ya frigid bitch! I'll forgive ya, but ya gotta make it up to me first. Come on, let's ditch these losers and find someplace a little more private."

"THAT IS NO WAY TO SPEAK TO A LADY," bellowed Gosenkugi, whose chest was the size of fifty Empire State Buildings.

"Who asked you, ya big lug?"

"I NEED NOT BE CONSULTED FIRST BEFORE DELIVERING MY OPINION ON YOUR CRUDE TREATMENT OF WOMEN. I DEMAND YOU RESCIND YOUR SLANDEROUS WORDS IMMEDIATELY AND APOLOGIZE TO MISS AKANE TENDO."

"And what if I don't?"

"THEN YOU MUST JOURNEY AFAR BY LAND AND SEA AND NOT RETURN UNTIL YOU HAVE FOUND THE LONG-LOST HOLY ONE TON HAMSTER OF ANTIOCH."

"That's crazy! There's no such thing!"

"AND YOU WERE GOING TO LET A LITTLE THING LIKE THAT STOP YOU?"

Akane suddenly rushed between them. "You mustn't fight!" she said breathlessly, for her lungs were made of seaweed. "Violence is abhorrent! Can't we behave like civilized people and talk this out? After all, we are all members of the same human race! We should embrace each other in celebration of peace and love!"

"Yeah! See, ya big stupid idiot? Peace and love! Come here, Akane! Let me show you a piece of my love!"

With that, Ranma proceeded to rip off every article of clothing on Akane's body. Which didn't take very long at all, because Akane was actually a nudist and had been naked the whole time.

"STOP RIGHT THERE, VILLAIN! I WILL SEE TO IT THAT YOU PAY DEARLY FOR THIS HUMILIATION."

"Look, Tolstoy, you're already porking Shampoo over there. The least ya can do is let me bang the stupid hippie."

Shampoo turned another page in her book.

"WOULD YOU LIKE TO THROW HANDS, SIR? IF SO, STEP OUTSIDE AND I WILL BE HAPPY TO ACQUAINT YOUR FACE WITH MY FISTS."

They were interrupted then by the sonorous voice of Tatewaki Kuno, Blue Thunder of Furinkan High, age 17:

"Verily, what sight grotesque dost mine eyes behold? Hither stands a Goliath, a Spartan without equal, taller in stature and standing than the sun itself! Whose righteous glow, like the glow of that fiery celestial body, doth shine upon the countenance of the masses, bestowing unto them the light of hope—Oberon, what a light! what a light! such a light as has never been seen before, so bright it sears, so loud it screams! And we, as mortal beings, do approach it with caution—for how else could one approach the dais of a god but with the utmost fear and trepidation, so overawed as to lose our senses to the splendor of his majesty? Yet despite the terror which consumes, do we not seek to warm our hands by that majestic fire, or capture a photon of that splendor and shelter it within the lighthouse of our souls? 'Tis a noble thing to bask in the greatness of this one, Hikaru Gosenkugi, but O, so much more monstrous to stand in the shadow of his nemesis. Ranma Saotome—the very name slithers on my tongue like a serpent! Philistine! Philanderer! Heed not his susurrous words, for they are maledictions at worst and specious at best! Here stands a sophist, a vile magician, whose claim to humanity makes misanthropes of us all! Quake with fear, demon, and hope this noble Praetorian makes quick work of you, for there is no hope for you in this life or the next! All the indulgences in the history of the world could not save you from the infernal abyss! See now how he takes offense and strikes a pugilistic pose? 'Tis because he is a monkey—a trained one, yet still naught more than a dumb animal taught to meet the smallest provocation with the utmost bestial rage. Truly, he is a testament to Pavlov's acuity. Yet what Pavlov possessed in agility of the mind, this wretched cur doth boast in agility of the body. Do not take him lightly, noble paladin! You have manned the ramparts these many years, yet never have you brawled with such a beast as this! He is a wraith, an ethereal creature without corporeal form! I have attempted to best before, you see, and each time his hands have wrought my defeat, save for the occasion when I had a bird on my head. Yet like that graceful phoenix, I have risen from the soot and ash time after time to seek again his downfall! The creature which stands before you is slime, is vermin! Feel no remorse when you strike him down with efficacy and ebullience, but spare a droplet of grief for his family, who will persist without him; I have heard his father lives vicariously through him, although I cannot testify to this with certitude. Alas, I have expatiated for too long. I will delay your altercation no longer."

"WELL SAID, NOBLE POET. TRUER WORDS HAVE NEVER BEEN SPOKEN."

Shampoo turned another page in her book.

"NOW THEN, KNAVE, HAVE AT THEE!"

Hikaru Gosenkugi did some crazy martial arts moves, and then Ranma Saotome did some other crazy martial arts moves. At one point Mousse, who was a duck, flew into the room and promptly intercepted a kick from each of the combatants, who were aiming for each other, but accidentally struck him instead. The sheer kinetic energy delivered by the twin kicks caused Mousse to die a horrible death in a tremendous feather down explosion.

Nobody noticed. The battle went on, and on, and on. Ranma did some more crazy martial arts moves, and Gosenkugi responded with some other crazy martial arts moves. Then Gosenkugi grabbed a pitcher of cold water and flung it at Ranma. Ranma leapt out of the way in the nick of time. Unfortunately, the pitcher continued to fly and hit Shampoo, triggering her Jusenkyo curse, transforming her into a banana.

Akane, still naked, had been making a maccaroni necklace when she looked up and noticed Shampoo the banana. "Oh, a banana! Just what I need right now!" she remarked. She picked up the banana and took it into the bathroom, where she locked the door and did not come out for some time.

Just then, Nabiki burst into the room wielding a Tommy gun. "Alright, youse patrons, this is a stick up! Put all the money youse got in this joint into a bag and—HEY, my GUN!"

Ranma had snatched the Tommy gun away from Nabiki. He quickly pivoted and shot Gosenkugi with 1,376,498 bullets.

Gosenkugi stumbled, took a step, then stumbled again. Then he fell over, dead. These were his last words: "SYNTHESIS OF HALOHYDRIN COMPOUNDS OCCURS ON ADDITION OF MOLECULAR HALOGEN TO AN ALKENE WITH WATER."

"No! Our benefactor has fallen!" Kuno cried as he fell to his knees in mourning. "Cruel fate! Why must you press down upon the brow of labor this crown of thorns?! Why must you crucify mankind upon a cross of gold?!"

Nabiki stomped her foot. "Hey, I was in the middle of a robbery here! You can't just snatch my gun away like that, you gun snatcher!"

Ranma smiled at her. "Tell you what. I'm sorry I snatched your gun. I'll give it back, but you have to promise you'll only use it to rob Kuno here. Also, later on I get to see your snatch."

Nabiki looked at him with an unreadable expression. Then a wisp of a smile flickered across her face, and she gave him the slightest nod. She took her gun back from him, and after using it to rob Kuno, she took a seat at the bar next to Ukyo.

"Hey, when did you come in?" Nabiki asked.

"I don't know," Ukyo shrugged. "Nothing makes any sense anymore."

The room was filled with bullet holes and feathers. Gosenkugi's body was still on the floor, face-down in an ever-growing pool of blood. Ranma lit up a cigarette to calm his nerves and stepped behind the bar to pour himself a gin and tonic. "Can I fix you girls a drink?" he asked.

"I'll take a Manhattan. Replace the whiskey with brandy, three dashes of bitters, and don't skimp on the vermouth. Put it in a lowball glass. I'm not in a cocktail kind of mood," said Nabiki.

"I'll have a Cosmopolitan," said Ukyo.

"Pussy," Ranma and Nabiki both muttered.

Akane emerged from the bathroom, still naked, with a satisfied expression on her face and a slimy banana in her hand. She placed the banana on the countertop and took a seat. Nabiki and Ukyo immediately scooted three chairs down.

"Hello? Is this Hokkaido? I don't mean to intrude, but I've been travelling for days, and I—"

Ryoga tripped over Kuno, who was still on his knees mourning the loss of Gosenkugi. By some quirk of physics, he slid fifteen feet on Gosenkugi's slick blood and bowled right into a pantry, where he was stopped by a row of shelves. The shock of the impact caused the door to close behind him. Due to his directional handicap, Ryoga never found his way out of the pantry. He eventually consumed all available food and died of starvation. His skeleton was discovered seventeen years later and donated to the University of Tokyo biology department. There he presides over students in a freshman anatomy class to this day.

Ranma was still chain smoking cigarettes when Cologne came hopping in on her stick.

"What is the ruckus down here? I've been upstairs trying to rest these weary bones, when all this time I've heard gunshots and screaming and shouting! I don't know what kind of company you keep, son-in-law, but I won't allow you to barge into my restaurant and put my great-granddaughter in harm's way. Shampoo is very precious to me, and if you think I'll permit you to endanger her life, then you've got another thing—oh, a banana!"

Cologne spotted the slimy banana on the counter and proceeded to pick it up, peel it, and take a bite out of it. She chewed it thoughtfully, then swallowed and took another bite. She continued to eat the banana until it was all gone.

"Mmm, very good!" she remarked. "Now then, what HAVE you been doing down here?"

"Nothing much," replied Ranma. "It's just been...

ANOTHER CRAZY DAY IN NERIMA


End file.
